A golfer was not feeling up to par, so he went to his doctor for a checkup.
The doctor examined him and said, “I have good news and I have bad news.”
The man said, “Give me the bad news first.”
“Your glands are changing, you’re turning into a woman.”
“Good heavens, what’s the good news?”
“You can now shoot from the ladies tee.”
Another plane crash was imminent and one of the passengers got down on his knees and carried on in an embarrassing manner. “Lord, get me out of this and I’ll give you half of everything I own.”
A minister heard him. They managed to fix the plane and landed safely. When they were leaving the plane, the minister tapped the man on the shoulder and said, “I heard your commitment to the Lord, are you going to abide by it?”
“No,” said the man, “We made another commitment on the way down. If he ever catches me in another plane, he gets all of it.”
A man was going to Germany for a few months. He left his pet cat with a neighbor. When he got to Germany, he called back to see how the cat was.
The neighbor said, “Oh, he died.”
“What!? My beloved cat died? What a shock! Why didn’t you break it to me gently? You could have said, ‘He’s on the roof ’, and the next time I called you could have said ‘the fire department is coming to get him down’, etc. etc. This saddens me and makes me feel terrible. Well, it can’t be helped now. How’s my mother-in-law, by the way?”
“Uh, she’s on the roof.”
